What do you say?

so i had a rough weekend.

i got a call from my dad on saturday night asking me to call him. it was a little unusual, he sounded pretty reserved and just kept it pretty simple.

Voicemail: Hey Benj, it's your dad. Give me a call when you get this, I'm at the house. I love you.

so i called him back, not sure what was going on. He didn't answer his cell phone so i called the house and he answered.

Dad: Hey buddy, how's it going
Me: Good. What are you doing?
Dad: Just watching TV.
Me: That's weird(sacrastically)
Dad: Yeah, who would have guessed.
Me: What's going on?
Dad:(pause) Well Bunca(nickname for my Dad's mom; my grandmother) was in the hospital for pneumonia and was just released. She's out now and staying with Aunt Sharon(my dad's sister).

she had been in the hospital before with pneumonia so it wasn't that big of a surprise.

Me: Oh, how's she doing?
Dad: Well, they found she has terminal cancer. It's all over her body, in her bones, liver, kidneys. It's everywhere and the Doctors don't know how long she has. They say she's going pretty fast.
Me: What?!
Dad: I know. I just thought that you should know. Your mother and I are leaving for Palm Springs on Thursday to be with her.
Me: I...how are you doing?
Dad: I'm ok. It's something that happens when you get older. You start getting sick and you're in and out of the hospital. I told her last week after she visited the hospital that she was scaring me.
Me: How long does she have?
Dad: I don't know. I have Aunt Sharon's number. Bunca would love to hear from you and Skyla. Let me get the number for you.

i was kind of paralyzed; kind of cloudy. this was my grandmother; my Bunca. my dad gave me the phone number which i wrote down and i told my dad i loved him and that i would be praying for him and Bunca. i hung up the phone and Skyla asked what had happen and i told her. suddenly the memories and feelings just started coming out.

i kept thinking how much i wanted her to be around for the baby which is due in a couple months. how much i wanted my new person to meet my old person. how the timing could be so off. how thankful i was that Skyla was able to meet her. how the ultrasound of our baby had her nose. how i wish i would have visited more in college. how she loved having us around in the summers when we came back from guatemala...

sunday we went to church(first time in a long time) and i knew that i would have to call her that afternoon, but what do you say? the previous night while talking to my dad he said something that was really poignant.

Me: What did she say?
Dad: She told me she was sorry. She was sorry that she wouldn't be around anymore.
Me: (deep breath)
Dad: I would be sorry if you guys didn't have me around anymore too. Not sorry for me, just sorry for you guys(laugh)
Me: You're funny.

so i picked up the phone to call her sunday afternoon. i still wasn't sure what i would say. Aunt Sharon answered the phone.

Me: How is everything?
Sharon: We're doing good. As well as can be expected. She's in good spirits.
Me: Is she awake? Can I talk to her?
Sharon: Hold on, I'll get her. (to Bunca) It's the final grandson.

i was the last one to call. great.

Bunca: Hi Benji.
Me: Hi Bunca. How are you?
Bunca: I'm doing ok. Just resting here.

what do you say!? Please don't die?!

Me: So you're out of the hospital..are you going back?
Bunca: No. Once the doctors found out, they just kicked me out (laugh)

she's trying to be funny. just keep it light.

Bunca: I've lead a good life and I'm tired and just want this all to be over. My liver is really bad and I didn't want all that chemo treatment. It's in my bones.
Me: (starting to cry) Oh...
Bunca: Don't cry Benji, please don't cry.

i'm sure that made her feel really good.

Bunca: I'm ready to go Home.
Me: (crying) Yeah....
Bunca: We'll see each other again.

i wanted to tell her that I didn't want her to go. that my baby needed to meet his/her great grandmother, but i couldn't get it out. didn't want to. she was still alive. i wasn't going to pretend that she had already died. yes, she was dying, but aren't we all. Since the day that we're born, we start to die.

Bunca: Did you get the blanket I made for the baby?
Me: Yeah, we got it...

i lost it. i have a blanket she made when i was born. now she had made a blanket, with the same love, for my child.

i passed the phone to Skyla so that they could talk. they talked about the baby shower, about the pregnancy, about how grateful we were for her gifts. she told Bunca that she loved her and then handed the phone back to me.

Me: I love you Bunca!(still crying)
Bunca: I love you very very much Benji.
Me: You feel better ok?
Bunca: OK.
Me: I love you.
Bunca: I love you too.
Me: Dad will be there on Thursday. Be sure to call me when he gets there.
Bunca: I will.
Me: Good-bye Bunca.
Bunca: Bye.

still crying.